"I'm done."

While I was studying for Medical Parasitology exam just a while ago, after I tried so hard to absorb all the names of the intestinal and lumen-dwelling parasites and the diseases, I put my book down and said, "I'm done." It wasn't loud enough to be a scream, but loud enough to be heard by my sister who was in the next room. She replied with, "You've been saying that all week!"

I asked myself if I really have been.

Yes, I have.

I'm done with studying, memorizing. I don't want to be studying all my life. I don't want to memorize the life cycle of stupid parasites that cause diarrhea or ulcers. But I realized that all of these, these are exactly what I'm going to have to do if I continue on this career path I chose. Frankly, it's not very appealing right now.

I'm just done with everything. I just want to read, but I can't even do that, because I have to study, so I can pass, and not get kicked out of university. Have.  I can't wait until that time when I can do actually something I don't have to do, but want to do. Like reading, or travelling, or getting out of this country. I don't want to be tied down to something, not to a career, not to a place, not to a person. I want to do what I want, not what people want me, or expect me to do. 

It's stupid how I'm just realizing this now. Maybe if our country had adapted that K-12 system of education years and years and years ago, I wouldn't be having this problem, because I would only be a high school senior right now. Instead, I'm an 18 year old college junior.

Crazy!

Prelims term went from "what's new?" to "WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH THIS SHIT IS GETTING CRAZY!!" I can barely keep up with all my subjects. Just last week, we had a long test for Family and Community Health (that I did not thoroughly study for) and that turned out good, considering I only scanned my notes two hours ahead of the exam. I finished the exam in less than twenty minutes but I didn't want to be the first one to pass my paper so I slept for a while. I haven't been getting any sleep lately.

Then last Monday, we had a long test for Calculus!!! I also did not really study for that. I am now thinking I have a problem. It was okay but you know how your mind completely blanks on that one topic that you did study for and then you're left staring at your exam paper and praying to the God of Remembering Something (if there is such a god)? It happened to me. I wanted to cry because I actually studied for that one topic but I forgot!!! Also, I had the sniffles. The silence in the exam room was occasional broken by the sound of me trying to keep my snot inside my nose. It was embarrassing.

And also, we studied how to take someone's vital signs in FamComm Lab. I struggled. Not so much with the how to wash your hands properly, but with the temperature taking and blood pressure taking and the pulse rate taking and the respiratory rate taking. Mostly with the BP and pulse rate taking.

I could not for the life of me locate the pulse of my partner. It took me about 5 minutes and I honestly wanted to just pretend that I finally felt it and just blurt out a random number that would fall in the normal pulse rate range of an adult.

I struggled so much with how to take a blood pressure. I could cry. Why can't we just use digital sphygmomanometer?!?!?!? I borrowed my friend's sphygmo so I can practice on everyone in my house right now.

I still can't do it. We have a practical exam on Monday. We have to take all the vital signs in 2 minutes.

HELP ME.

5/5 stars!

We have a long test for Genetics tomorrow. Why am I online?

READING UPDATE:

I finally finished I Hunt Killers!!!!!

I KNOW RIGHT?

It's actually pretty good. Please don't consider my slowness and laziness in reading this book as an indication that this isn't a good book, because it really is. Towards the end, I couldn't put it down anymore and I read it all night even though I needed to get up early the next day.

I can't wait for the next book because the ending is a major cliffhanger! I wanted to throw the book across the room when I was done with it BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THE NEXT BOOK I'M DYING HERE WITH ANTICIPATION AND SUSPENSE THIS IS WHY I HATE READING SERIES

Anyway.

I also bought a new book: Lauren Oliver's Before I Fall

I bought this last weekend. I was originally going to buy David Levithan's Lovers Dictionary, but I couldn't find it anywhere! So frustrating. Anyway, I also considered buying Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler's The Future of Us but I left that bookstore because I thought I'd go to another mall and see if they had LD in the bookstores there.

They didn't. And they didn't have The Future of Us too.

So I bought this instead because it's on my Wishlist! I also considered buying Gayle Forman's If I Stay, but I don't know, I felt like I should buy this first. For some reason. I could always come back for it next weekend.

And lastly, MY JOHN GREEN BOOKS ARE NOW COMPLETE!!

Yes, that means I have Paper Towns now. Woooot! But it is so far down my To-Read List, because I still have a few books to read before that but still, you know? Aaah.

I love books.

I'm currently reading the collaborative work of John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle, which is Let It Snow. I'm on the 2nd story now, which is by John Green. The first one is so cute and fluffy and ugh why don't things like that happen to me

Instead I'm stuck with three Genetics hand-outs and a Medical Parasitology book to study. Darn.

Love Story

Mom's home, finally! Lots of chocolates here and I'm drowning. From joy. Did you know that I haven't eaten anything else today aside from chocolate because I'm home alone and I'm too lazy that I can't even heat food in the microwave but apparently not too lazy to run to the fridge and grab more chocolate?

Oh, and I have a phone now! It's only temporary, but I don't know until when I'm going to use. Probably until I can buy my own phone. It's an old iPhoone 3G. (Not even a 3Gs, I know.) It's okay. But I can't install  the Goodreads app (and a whole lot of other apps because it requires an iOS higher than what my phone has, and since it's 3G, it can't update anymore). Boo. It's good. I don't really use my phone very often.

READING UPDATE:

I HAVEN'T FINISHED READING I HUNT KILLERS YET!!

But I'm already starting with Kristin Walker's A Match Made in High School, so I'm probably not going to finish I Hunt Killers soon. Sorry. I apologize to my classmate whom I borrowed the book from and promised that I will return it before this year ends.

Before I went to the airport to fetch my mom, I stopped by a mall to check if any of the bookstore had John Green's Paper Towns in stock. My sister and I have been wanting to buy it for weeks now but everywhere we go, all we hear is "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of stock" from every bookstore near us.

Is someone hoarding copies of Paper Towns?!

Anyway, so I bought another book instead. Erich Segal's Love Story, which has been in my Goodreads' Wishlist shelf since September but I always forget to buy.

So very hipster.

Adding it to my To-Read List, after Perfume: Story of a Murderer, Let It Snow and of course, I Hunt Killers. (Maybe I should just change the theme of this blog to The Books I've Read Before I Finally Finished I Hunt Killers.)

My sister also bought a book by Gretchen Rubin called The Happiness Project. It was the only copy in the bookstore and she was literally screaming and jumping up and down and I had to inch away hoping people thought I wasn't with her. She said she read it as a feature on teen magazine and just HAD to buy it so she did. I'm not sure what it's about but I searched for it in Goodreads and someone shelved it as Self Help. Normally, I don't read Self Help books, but I'm probably going to read it too. Hopefully after I Hunt Killers.

I have to go study for Family and Community Health now. Yesterday, I failed a quiz on the subject because I didn't know we were going to have a quiz!!! I scored two points below the passing grade. I would've passed if I had known what the name is of the thingy we use to measure our blood pressure (to which I answered 'blood pressure measuring apparatus' and I had to fight the urge to add -inator after. Re: Phineas and Ferb, if you don't get it) and if my brain didn't suddenly forget everything that I tried to memorize before the actual test, because the question was exactly the one I asked my seatmate before the professor hushed me.

Oh well. It was horrible.

SOS! SEND HELP!

A good way to kick off the birth of this blog is by saying the reason why I started this blog in the first place: I'm panicking.

It all started a few weeks ago. I was reading a book (The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight, which is a great book, by the way, but is in no way related to my point. I just wanted to say that I loved the book.) when a realization hit me like a speeding train: I want to write. I want to write a book. I want to write a novel.

Easy enough, right?

WRONG WRONG WRONG!

I can't think of writing novels! I shouldn't even dare think of writing novels! I have a plan. I finish my pre-med course, take the NMAT, hopefully get into a good medical school, survive, take the board exam, be a doctor. That's my plan. Did you see a 'write a book' anywhere? No. Me too. And this is what's scaring me right now. What if I'm not good enough to be a doctor? I'm not smart. I'm just a mediocre student and I've been wondering how I made it to third year of being a Human Biology student. So okay, maybe I haven't failed any of my subjects (yet. I still have 3 semesters to go. I don't want to jinx it.) and that probably means I'm doing something right, but going to school when you love what you're doing shouldn't feel like a task right?

I feel like all my classmates are way ahead of me. They're so ready and geared up for medical school while I'm still deciding. I tell myself  I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR!!! when I'm having doubts, and that worked for the past 2 and a half years, but now, not so much. I'm so scared. I don't want to disappoint anybody but I don't want to disappoint myself either. I don't want future me to hate past me because she didn't have the balls to stand up for what she wanted. But I also don't want future me to look back at past me and be like, "You made the wrong choice, dude. You should've become a doctor."

A friend I confided about this told me that maybe I'm just having a quarter life crisis (is that a thing?) and maybe I should wait until I'm done with my pre-med and see if I still feel the same. That's 1 and a half year to go.

So in order to keep myself sane, I made this blog.

Also, I love to read. I don't know how that relates to anything I just said, but I just wanted to share. I might post book reviews once in awhile, although I'm not good at reviewing. It's probably just going to be like "OMG THIS IS AMAZING ASDFGHJKL." I don't have anyone to fangirl over books with, so I guess this blog will do.

I don't know how to end this post! I'll think of an awesome catchphrase later.

Ta-ta!